Let the (quiet) children come to me

Monday, December 9, 2019

*Dan Gonzalez

English Spanish

A few years ago, my wife and I marked a milestone. We heard Mass for the first time!

But wait, don't you go to Mass every week? Yes, we do. But that Sunday was special. Our two children (Zoe, then 4, and Matthew, then 5) graduated from the Cry Room and we got to sit with the general population and hear Mass! Ephphatha!

Ah, the divisive Cry Room. Few things at Mass incite such heated and impassioned debate.

On one side, some see it as a necessity. Restless and rowdy children may distract the assembly from prayer and contemplation. The Mass itself calls for periods of "sacred silence":

"Sacred silence also, as part of the celebration, is to be observed at the designated times... Even before the celebration itself, it is a praiseworthy practice for silence to be observed in the church, in the sacristy, in the vesting room, and in adjacent areas, so that all may dispose themselves to carry out the sacred celebration in a devout and fitting manner." (General Instruction of the Roman Missal #45)

"The Liturgy of the Word is to be celebrated in such a way as to favor meditation...In the course of it, brief periods of silence are also appropriate, accommodated to the assembled congregation; by means of these, under the action of the Holy Spirit, the Word of God may be grasped by the heart and a response through prayer may be prepared. It may be appropriate to observe such periods of silence, for example, before the Liturgy of the Word itself begins, after the First and Second Reading, and lastly at the conclusion of the Homily." (General Instruction of the Roman Missal #56)

We've all had the experience where the faithful finish their response "but only say the word and my soul shall be healed" as a reverent stillness falls on the assembly. Then, an infant lets out a cry that pierces the silence. Or a time when the quietude after Communion is shattered by the music from a child's toy or a baby's rattle.

Wouldn't it be best to gather these children in their own room allowing the assembly to celebrate in silence while, at the same time, protecting the embarrassed parents from indignant stares? Mom and Dad could concentrate on the Mass without having to chase their children around — free from the need to stifle their screams. It's a win-win! Right?

Well, the other side may see this as segregation — a breach of community whose end thwarts participation rather than encourages it. The unspoken message perceived may be "you are not welcomed" — a modern-day leper colony. The glass windows make the room a veritable fish bowl where parishioners gawk as they walk by. This feeling of isolation may be all too familiar especially if the child has a physical, emotional or developmental challenge.

This group may see the ostracization as a brazen disregard of the Lord's command to: "let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." — Matthew 19:14

In addition, some well-intentioned parents bring their sick children who cough and sneeze as they very adamantly, thoroughly and quite vigorously give the sign of peace. This turns the Cry Room into a humid, soundproof germ incubator where no one can hear you scream!

So what did we do?

For us, the first few years in the Cry Room were a time when our children would simply bide their time for the duration of the celebration. We had books and crayons — nothing noisy that would disrupt others. If they were sick, they would stay home and my wife and I would go to different Masses so one of us could stay home. If other children were sick in the Cry Room, we'd pray for the best and pass the Purell.

As they got older, we started teaching them vocabulary: "Point to the the priest?" "Who are the acolytes?" "Where is the altar?"

Later, we shifted to the parts of the Mass: "Oh look, the priest is going to bow then kiss the altar." "Let's make the sign of the cross together." And after Communion: "What are you thankful for?" My son Matthew now looks at me as the deacon processes with the Book of the Gospels. He holds his breath in anticipation and throws me an excited grin if the reading is from his namesake. He is particularly fond of Year A.

If you want some great ideas, please read Joyce Donahue's 7-part series on "Forming Children and Youth for the Mass."

We clocked five years in the cry room and used that time and space as a staging area — a spiritual nest where our fledglings were nurtured until they were ready to soar with the rest of the flock. Leaving the Cry Room behind was seen as a rite of passage, a coming of age.

Our first foray into the deep went without a hitch. Nonetheless, we chose a pew that was literally 6 feet away from an exit door...just in case there was regression.

How about you? How do you view the Cry Room?

Is it "Alcatraz" only to be escaped from, or is it a safe-haven, a refuge for rambunctious children? Should the Cry Room be compulsory or voluntary? Should it be eliminated from parishes or enlarged? What is your experience?

Comments from readers

Carlos Bustamante - 12/10/2019 09:54 PM

I personally don't believe in the need of having a "cry room" at any church, however, I also believe that parents are not supervising their children when they are at Mass. It is a petty that society had lost the respect for the holly Mass, everybody does whatever they please and nobody could say nothing because they feel offended if we ask parents to control their kids. We should produce a pamphlet of "what behavior we expect from children and parents when they bring their children to Mass" In one church in Texas I saw a sample of this and was placed at the front of the church for anybody to pick-up. I don't think going back to Latin Mass is a solution - CVII changed that. The problem is with uneducated parents.

Charles - 12/10/2019 07:06 AM

I think this topic is a good topic of discussion. I think the first important point to mention is, It depends on the individual parents and how they nurture their children. It’s true that some little children want to get up and walk around. And that some can’t sit still. But in regards to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, children’s behavior isn’t the only issue of distraction. Cell phones going off, applauding of someone’s achievements, excessive music during the time of reception of Holy Communion when true silence should be occurring and the lack of the congregation praying before and after Mass are serious distractions enough. What is needed is a return to the traditional Mass in Latin it because it demands a greater participation spiritually then does our current Liturgy. We can’t allow young children to not be shown examples of true spiritual worship. I would suggest that instead of saying the ‘assembly’ , that we are the ‘Mass if the faithful’. I have seen such isolated incidents of parents and grandparents who neglect to take their children outside when they cry or get upset. Sometimes those parents/grandparents refuse to move until we as a congregation tell them. That’s an issue that priests should politely tell the congregation that if our children misbehave then the parents should take their children outside until they calm down. It’s not wrong to leave temporarily to keep the child from misbehaving inside. About cry rooms, I’m not against that. But there will always be times when some children will misbehave and need more attention sometimes.

Carlos Bustamante - 12/10/2019 09:54 PM: I personally don't believe in the need of having a "cry room" at any church, however, I also believe that parents are not supervising their children when they are at Mass. It is a petty that society had lost the respect for the holly Mass, everybody does whatever they please and nobody could say nothing because they feel offended if we ask parents to control their kids. We should produce a pamphlet of "what behavior we expect from children and parents when they bring their children to Mass" In one church in Texas I saw a sample of this and was placed at the front of the church for anybody to pick-up. I don't think going back to Latin Mass is a solution - CVII changed that. The problem is with uneducated parents.

Charles - 12/10/2019 07:06 AM: I think this topic is a good topic of discussion. I think the first important point to mention is, It depends on the individual parents and how they nurture their children. It’s true that some little children want to get up and walk around. And that some can’t sit still. But in regards to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, children’s behavior isn’t the only issue of distraction. Cell phones going off, applauding of someone’s achievements, excessive music during the time of reception of Holy Communion when true silence should be occurring and the lack of the congregation praying before and after Mass are serious distractions enough. What is needed is a return to the traditional Mass in Latin it because it demands a greater participation spiritually then does our current Liturgy. We can’t allow young children to not be shown examples of true spiritual worship. I would suggest that instead of saying the ‘assembly’ , that we are the ‘Mass if the faithful’. I have seen such isolated incidents of parents and grandparents who neglect to take their children outside when they cry or get upset. Sometimes those parents/grandparents refuse to move until we as a congregation tell them. That’s an issue that priests should politely tell the congregation that if our children misbehave then the parents should take their children outside until they calm down. It’s not wrong to leave temporarily to keep the child from misbehaving inside. About cry rooms, I’m not against that. But there will always be times when some children will misbehave and need more attention sometimes.