Porn in your back pocket

By Jim Davis - Florida Catholic

MIAMI SHORES | How soon to warn your children about pornography?

Matt Fradd’s answer: As young as 6.

His audience gave a collective “Gassssp.”

Then Fradd gave his reason: the many phones, computers and other devices that can beam porn right into every home � and the eyes of young children.

“Most kids have access to some kind of screen � an X-rated movie theater,” he said in his talk on “Parenting the Internet Generation” May 19 at the Pastoral Center. “My son asked me [about porn] at 6. The dangers of the big city have come into our houses, and even into our back pockets.”

Fradd, author of “The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography,” has spoken to about 50,000 people in nearly every state over the last eight years.

His South Florida address to parents was among four talks May 17-19, sponsored by the archdiocesan Office of Youth And Young Adult Ministry. Besides parents, Fradd spoke to priests, teachers, seminarians and campus ministers. Rosemary Banich, director of the ministry, said he’ll return next year to talk with teenagers.

Fradd dressed casually on May 19, in jeans, sandals and a black tee. He spoke in gestures and expressions as much as words, and stood in front of the lectern more than behind it.

He greeted the 40 listeners with a genial “G’day” in his native Australian accent, although he now lives in Atlanta with his wife and children.

Then he cut loose � often in explicit, clinical terms � with results of 39 neuroscientific studies on the effects of pornography.

 

PORN ‘SHOWS TOO LITTLE’

He said the studies support an addiction profile, with people continuing to use porn despite harmful consequences, Fradd said. It can affect the brain much like methamphetamine, a powerful psychostimulant drug.

Even worse, porn use escalates because the more someone uses it, the less they’re aroused � requiring them to use it more. They may start with the “softer stuff,” then tend to move on to more violent and abusive materials.

“So this is not just a religious issue,” Fradd said. “Pornography is a detriment to health.”

He even tackled the tricky question of what constitutes porn. During an interview, he offered this definition: “Material of an erotic nature designed to arouse excitement.”

Fradd also took pains to say what pornography is not � including nudity or sexual desire. Sex and human bodies are inherently beautiful, he said.

“The first commandment was to have sex: ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’“ he said.  “If it’s not good, it can’t be made bad. If it’s not beautiful, it can’t be made ugly.”

Mere nude art doesn’t qualify as porn if it shows “the depths of the inner person,” in Fradd’s view.

“The problem with porn is not that it shows too much, but that it shows too little. It reduces the beauty of femininity and masculinity to a collection of body parts for my consumption.”

For people nervous about how to explain it to children, he offered a simpler definition. As he told his 6-year-old son: “There are good pictures, [but] porn is bad pictures and videos that make you want to do bad things.”

 

FIRST STEP: EDUCATION

How to cope? Fradd recommended parents educating themselves on the nature of pornography. Besides the May 19 seminar, he mentioned his free weekly podcast, “Love People Use Things,” which contrasts the false promise of pornography with actual love.

He also unabashedly recommended his book “The Porn Myth.” He said 100 percent of the royalties from the book � as well as its e-book and audiobook versions � go to Children of the Immaculate Heart, a group in San Diego that helps survivors of human trafficking.

Fradd urged using filtering software to block offensive online content on all computers, smartphones and tablets in a household. He especially praised a program called Covenant Eyes, for which he formerly worked. He said it can send periodic reports to parents and soon will even incorporate face recognition technology to recognize images as well as words.

Even older, unused phones and other devices should get filtering software, Fradd said. “If you don’t monitor it, you shouldn’t provide it.”

Other recommendations:

• “Strict accountability” for children younger than 12. A suggested line: “If you see [pornography], please tell Mom and Dad, and we’ll be so proud of you.”
• Regular conversations with all your kids on where they go online. “This is not like the ‘Sex Talk’ or the ‘Math Talk,’ where you do it just once. It’s part of an ongoing conversation.”
• Make sure that the parents of your children’s friends also limit online access in their homes. If not, don’t let your children play there. “Your kids are only as safe as the house they visit,” he said.

He then revealed that he spoke from experience. When he was 12, Fradd said, he watched porn at a friend’s house � and the friend’s mother gave him vodka to drink as well.

“It messed me up massively,” he confessed. “I’ve experienced a lot of healing. If you have a problem with pornography, flee it like a snake. Get therapy. But don’t let it harm children.

“We have this belief that what happens online is less real. That’s not true. People have had their lives absolutely destroyed by pornography.”

 

IF THEY’RE ALREADY VIEWING IT?

For those who are caught in pornography, he said help is available on several websites, including joinfortify.com or fightthenewdrug.com.

Parents’ questions were just as eyebrow-raising during Q&A sessions. One listener asked what to do on finding a child is already looking at porn?

Fradd’s surprising answer: First, apologize � for having allowed the child to be exposed to the material. Then promise to make changes.

How could Fradd’s materials be incorporated into marriage preparation programs? He suggested adapting his book, “Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn,” which tells stories of people who have been healed from pornography-linked disorders.

He added that in his opinion, “If someone is addicted to porn, he should probably cancel the marriage.”

Afterward, listeners said they were impressed with Fradd’s presentation on several levels.

“It was excellent, with tangible and concrete suggestions,” said Juan Alarcon of St. Cecilia parish, Hialeah. “He provided a plan of action.”

Karen Kermis of Little Flower Church, Hollywood, agreed. “This is something every parent should hear � what porn does to people.”

Jorge Gonzalez of St. Timothy parish, Miami, said he was already a “big fan” of Fradd. He listens to Fradd’s podcast on the Catholic Answers website.

“He’s realistic about the challenges that face us,” Gonzalez said of Fradd. “And he has great tools and structures for us parents.”

Fradd sought to end his talk on a note of hope, reminding the audience that other generations of Christians have faced moral problems. He noted that in the New Testament, St. Paul condemned orgies and incest, which was happening right in church communities.

“We have to trust in a good and gracious God,” Fradd said. “Jesus said, ‘In the world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.’”

Weapons against pornography: archdiocese-approved list  

 

Along with Matt Fradd's talks on the dangers of online pornography, the archdiocese's Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry has released this list of resources.

Books

• "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today's Young Kids," by Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner, with illustrations by Debbie Fox

• "The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography," by Matthew Fradd (Kindle Edition)

• "Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery Kindle Edition" (Kindle Edition), by Kevin B. Skinner

Support Groups

• Fortify, a toolbox of resources helping people to develop their own program for overcoming pornography

• Sex Addicts Anonymous, a mutual support group for people to share experiences and hope

Other resources
Website:

• Protect Young Minds, offering healing as well as protection for children

Podcast:

• Love People Use Things, with Matt Fradd  

Internet Filtering and Accountability Software:

• Covenant Eyes.